The Perfect Mom

I have been thinking a lot about motherhood of late and want to share some of my thoughts. . .

First, my husband shared an article with me written by a woman who has never been a mother and said things like 'being a mother is average' and that we should strive for more.  While I fought back the urge to yell at her through the computer I recognized that the act of actually having a child could be considered average. But being a mother and raising children is far from average and this poor woman will probably never know the joys that come from motherhood.

Ok, now onto the topic that has really been on my mind.  Of late I have felt like people treat me like I am the 'perfect mom' who has the 'perfect children.'  Now, while this is very flattering I am a bit frustrated by it.  Please note that I am not perfect and if you want a list to prove it just let me know, and I can gladly prove to you that I am not a perfect mother.  What I have learned in my many years as a mother is that women are very different with varying strengths and weaknesses.  I have had several friends who are very creative, loving and nurturing.  Then, I have other friends who are very organized, planned and never late.  There are, of course, other groups and other strengths, so know that I am not being complete in my list, but what I have observed with moms is that the grass is always greener on the other side.  Instead of noticing their own strengths, we as mothers tend to focus on our weaknesses while focusing on the strengths of others.  I happen to be the super organized kind of woman who must have a clean organized home and cannot function in any other way.  For some reason that is all that others see and think that it makes me 'perfect' because maybe it isn't there strength.

I have found that with each set of strengths often comes an opposing set of weaknesses.  My friends who are creative struggle with organization and being on time as it contradicts their creative side.  It is in their nature to be free from a schedule, they want to follow their whims and do things as they come naturally.  As for people like myself we are the exact opposite.  We thrive with a schedule and organization but struggle to be spontaneous or to stop and take time to do things that are not on our schedule.  So, while people see me as on time and organized they neglect to see that I struggle to stop and cuddle with a little one when there are other things that need to be done.  Now I am not saying that we should just acknowledge our weaknesses and ignore them, but we should find ways to balance that work for us and utilize our strengths.  For me I have had to learn to cuddle, stop and read a book, leave a little mess and much more.  I usually schedule things out, so that I have plenty of play time and time to get everything else done, but I have had to teach myself to stop and just enjoy time with my kids.  I'm still not perfect at it, but I identify both my strengths and weaknesses and try to figure out how to be better every day.  And yes, there is plenty for me to improve on every day.  

I have spent several years with only children capable of taking care of themselves.  I have an 11, 10, 7 and 1 year old, so for about 3-4 years all of my children could use the bathroom, dress themselves, buckle themselves, feed themselves, etc.  It was great and a lot less stressful than having a toddler getting into everything, but for those same years everyone saw the same thing and forgot that I once had a 1/2, 3 and 4 year old and everything that goes with that.  It doesn't help that I lived in a different state during that stage of life, so most people who know me now only saw me with my children who were old enough to sit through church without throwing a huge fit or make me chase them through the church, so let me set the record straight to prove that me and my children are normal and NOT perfect.

During one Sunday service (stake conference to be specific) my toddler escaped from the very back of the chapel and ran all the way to the front of the chapel and onto the stage.  I'm pretty sure that this happened more than once, but since we were in the very back of the gym this event was most memorable.  We were humiliated as we chased this little 2 year old around and struggled to catch him.

Another day our 2 and 3 year old decided to go to the library.  I was pregnant with our third child, so I was sleeping in and James was taking quick shower when they made this discussion.  They found a chair and used it to unlock the front door and were on their way.  They were, of course, wearing their pajamas and were found trying to cross a highway by a driver on the road.  (The library was just across that highway, so at least they were close to their destination.)  We were terrified when we learned that they had left and grateful when the police officer brought them home.  We had a lovely visit from child services which was the scariest experience of my entire life.



On several occasions I literally 'cried over spilt milk.'  I know it sounds crazy, but when your little one dumps out an entire gallon of milk on the carpet you just can't do anything else but cry.



We have fought off biting, hitting, throwing toys and anything else you can imagine little boys doing.  My children were and are pretty 'normal' and have done most things that you can imagine inquisitive, creative, independent children do.  I am not telling these stories for sympathy, but explain that we are not perfect and that often we don't see what others are going through or have been through.  As mothers I feel like it hurts us to put ourselves down by pretending that other moms are perfect.  Maybe there are a few perfect moms out there, but I haven't met any.  Instead I have met many moms, who like myself are working hard to be the best moms they can be.  We focus on our strengths and work together to help uplift and strengthen each other.  We learn from each other, we teach other, we support and help each other through the ups and downs of motherhood.  To all of those young moms out there who are just trying to keep their kids alive (which is your job until they are about 4) keep working hard and know that you are doing a great work.   Remember that you have strengths even if they aren't the ones you see in others and focus on them and use them to be the best mom that you can be.  We are all unique and as such have special gifts and talents that only we can give to our children.  Give your children what you have and don't focus on what you don't have and your children will love you forever for it.